Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Bell is Cyclone's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, November 17th, 2011
12:47 am	I decided to stay in Providence on September 24, a Wednesday, and the 25th was one of the hardest days of my life, with the following week or two - besides a time last June - but it was because I had to break down some delusions and swallow a choice. It was a hard time, but I have people in my life who are probably all major luck, if you look at it in a certain way. Now, I'm connected again, to school and to my life in Providence, and I don't want to make any false predictions or dangerous observations but I think it might be better than it was before. I realized something today: I've always wanted to help people, who I've been attracted to. This seemed safe in a way with my partner who was able to manage his own problems to a level, but I think that need to help was still a bond and a mistake, though a lot was good, mutual and I'm left with gratitude now, which may be a choice but which I do think is the outcome of a very real love that ran its course, at least so far as a continuing life together went. It could definitely be a lot worse, or just different. I have work tomorrow x infinity, and am glad (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 8th, 2011
12:38 am	Others Today was for others. I started home around 6, but first talked with Marijke in Dutch online (she has a 'stiekem in het oog' - sticker in the eye, i think - for the owner of the comics store I took her to in Brooklyn) and Seth on the phone, then when I started into my house I saw Roby and Haley, who were giving Natalie a ride to the East Side and invited me along. We got Mickey too, from the Building 13 parking lot, and hung out in the house N is housesitting, which has a wooden hottub in the backyard. I joined Roby and Haley in it, and Mickey came out to the three naked girls talking about natural instincts though it was actually in the context of divorce - Roby just filed - and then vampire love. She pissed below the tub anyway. Inside, Natalie was ironing t-shirts she'd screenprinted on, to fix them, for a job; they are all on old t's from a rag factory that the guy probably was going to sell for a lot, with their tears and stains and intentionally faded Grateful Dead-type skeleton and roses, no questions, just a job, and Haley explained to Mickey that she actually does know a Grateful Dead song, the train without cocaine one, like it or not. Natalie had finished her portrait books, and they look great. Mine are very conventional but I'm not embarassed. Turns out that she can draw like that too, and I never had seen it before. She looks great, has been happy in NYC. Mickey told us about the garage she's moving into and forced us to go to Nice Slice for pizza, and gave me and Roby some. I hope I can get Crispin Glover tickets. I'm not scared about the future anymore, happy with the present (Comment on this)
Monday, September 5th, 2011
10:40 pm	I've just moved into my old space in Providence, for either a week or much longer. I was desperate to go back to Belgium this morning, as soon as possible; I have a ticket back in a little over a week, but will do one more week of Organic Chemistry - which I first started two years ago, and quit before it was over because of visa things for my move to Belgium, the beginning of the end of innocence - lucky me - and an insane teacher, but the latter isn't teaching this year (he wasn't mean to me, but others and it's like having an insane boss, since the course is very intense). I had a person to say everything to for two years and when I wrote journals, I kept it completely private. But I'm testing out old grounds again now. It was very hard to go back to the old house - where most of my possessions were destroyed in a flood - but I'm still over that, even when back. "Stop looking backwards! It's a habit you have. And it's very destructive." - My dad. The future here is very nice. I've started a couple of China Mieville's books (I should learn to type accents sometime, since I have one myself), and respected them, just thought I should save them for another time, for whatever reason. But I've had the impulse to read "Kraken", and brought it from Belgium. It seemed perfectly natural to see him in White Electric today; it's been the same for a few days, a familiar-looking person from somewhere other than here, but since I've been gone, you never know, but I was sure today that it was him and it was. The staff there who gave me a ride home said a fan of his figured it out, he's very nice, stays for a month or two in town from London. So I'm not the only one with a complicated global personal life. Doesn't matter much and I'm not going to tread on his privacy, but it's nice because books were as important to me in Belgium as they were in childhood, for company, so it did feel like seeing a friend, just one more, but with a special connection that I don't even need to do any work on, besides buying the books. (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 30th, 2011
8:40 pm	Yesterday I walked to the East Side of Providence and ran into a few faces, some that I've been seeing for years, one that gives me free crepes. Someone said that the snow everywhere - piles still child-high, giants in the parking lots - is going to be sent to the North Burial Ground. Once they tried to put it in the river, but besides overflow, it has all the junk from human streets in it, so that idea was fended off by the people who give a shit. I wondered why they couldn't catapult it to Arizona and we thought of a salt rocket-launcher to send it up a ways, also a public entertainment with the colored salts. There was also a weird smell - incense and meat - burning hippies, a sustainable food service - the Hacky Shack - ah you had to be there, as the words were batted around, we all got a turn, but it was good. I'm recharging now for the time to come soon, which I'm looking forward to as well, knowing more and loving some things about the new place, besides my wonderful partner. (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 22nd, 2011
4:29 pm	'Times are crazy, people are crazy' 1966 French punk (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 20th, 2011
8:30 pm	back This fall I finished the third out of the five of the Dutch classes I need to be fluent, and started the fourth, but realized it might involve a nervous breakdown, and the pride of being almost-fluent in a new language in a year (though I was never a language-person before) was not worth it. So I decided to go back to America, and quit Niveau 4. I'm only back for a few weeks, then will resume in the spring (4 and 5 - unless it's too much). It's been very good. I flew into New York, the cheapest ticket and some of the oldest friends - it was usually too much for me in the past, but for the first time (besides a few days with Wim once which might have been nice anywhere), I loved it. I got to introduce two people I love who I hope will love each other in some way, and talked a lot to people who have known me more than a year, in NYC, Philadelphia and here. Working-drawing now - more on that soon. Yes. Oddly, I've found myself making grammatical mistakes in English more often in the last few weeks, after quitting, though I realized the Dutch was helping my formal knowledge of grammar in general. I am not worried now, about much, out of choice. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 11th, 2011
3:38 pm	I accidentally found a message from my grandmother, the year before she died at 87 - here is half of it - dear kids, kiko picked me up at 6;30 yes t e rda y morn andmy s u rger y was duck soup--out at 9;30.kiko is so good to me... i finally got a perm last week, and feel more human book club was tue.--the kite flyers--i loved it and happeened to s ee yhe author last week on tv--he i s a dream--speech flows like a river, handsome and modest. are there any more at home like him? played bridge in my new rossmoor foursome tue. aft--came in second, so got my dollar back, wh ich i forgot to take. i, too, have a hearing aide that doesn't work, and i was in there a c o uple weeks ago. these guys stink. but you d on't and i love you all xxxx mom (Comment on this)
11:27 am	When I was an artists' model (the clothed ones, because I that's what I have photos of): (Comment on this)
Friday, December 31st, 2010
4:06 am	I've just scanned almost everything I have that has not been lost in the Providence flood or sold, and there's several hundred images; but they aren't online yet. To get in the habit, I'm putting up an old one (that looks a little strange, something to figure out), that was in Morbid Curiosity for a story about excarnation and is on the arm of a drummer in Indiana: (Comment on this)
3:33 am	not dead again, as usual How strange things are, where I am and why. I'm still not sure, at all, about being in Europe for the long term, even now that I'm a legal resident, after all that work to become so. Tonight, after almost dying, the only ritual I practice on a regular basis, I tried to explain Wiccan beliefs to some very nice people here, who wanted to make sure I was okay afterwards - my partner is gone on a trip with friends - and I felt quite lonely, especially after the allergic attack from almond, which is something that those around you can only watch and not imagine. These emergencies happen once or twice a year and happen so fast that it barely ruins my day, even though it involves my throat swelling up and I've been told very seriously, many times that it could be fatal and I need to go to the ER - I almost never do, but usually I'm so cautious that I barely swallow anything. This one was the worst in a few years. My throat started to seal off again and I had just fully swallowed a bite of cake with almond, instead of holding a little in my mouth for a minute as I normally do with uncertain foods; my body reacts fast. I trusted someone and had forgotten that the Belgians don't think of almond as nuts. The friend who made it told me there weren't any. It tasted strange, because I just don't know marzipan that well, but enough to ask him again specifically, with a guess, as the scratchy feeling of swelling started in my throat. Then I reacted in horror when he said yes, instinctively, forcing everyone's attention on me - I used to be embarassed by having to do this but it's necessary, they don't understand and I need their attention in those moments, in case I go into shock. I had to find a bathroom, with someone on hand to call an ambulance in case things got bad - which still isn't cheap here, by the way, or covered by insurance. I did get to a bathroom and forced myself to vomit, which happens later on my own, but this does work to get most of the allergen out. I didn't die but was very sick for the next hour or two, until my body got rid of the last traces of food in me (more spontaneous vomiting, I'm pleased to say, in the urine-scented train bathroom). The first time has to be self-induced and though I flirted with bulimia as a normal completely fucked up teenager, at least I realized then that I had to save that trick if I wanted to live. This accidental ritual always answers that question, parly because I know what this death would feel like and would rather not - although it isn't really so bad, just annoying if you survive; I was going unconscious the time it came close, very calm, everyone else was worried enough. But the medicines work. I like western medicine better than many people. But I'm online now past three. I drank coffee late, to help the mild anaphylactic shock (which is kind of funny to say, yeah). And I've been feeling things from the past very deeply, tempted to contact people who I probably shouldn't. There's a lot of things I want to do, and drawing more again has gone into oil painting for the first time in a long while, and things are good, despite being totally alone. That's okay, actually. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 15th, 2010
12:58 am	I started to keep a very strict schedule lately, weekends and all. So far, I like it. When I was a teenager, my dad told me how my uncle said I was a lovely girl but needed discipline, and had said not to tell me but my dad did anyway because he thought it was funny and that my uncle obviously didn't know me, since it didn't work. If my dad was in the habit of saying "as if", he would have. I secretly thought my uncle might be right and considered joining the Navy, like my dad had, because something about the strict schedule appealed to me, but my dad pointed out that I would be bored as hell. (I was not often bored, with self-entertainment like drawing, but terrified of it.) Maybe this is one reason I've gotten into pre-medical studies, which I have had to put on hold in order to learn Dutch as quickly as possible (my dad actually taught himself some Dutch in the Navy, when they sailed to Amsterdam, to fend off the boredom) - and I will be almost fluent within a year, if I keep it up - but really, to have at least some of that schedule self-defined makes it perfect. There are things I want to DO...I've let the itch for comics back in, the thing I most wanted to do, had a good start then stopped or slowed for a while. Should not be online at 1 am, of course, but pissing off the boss is still fun. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 11th, 2010
11:53 am	11-11 is a holiday in Belgium already, so being here in a year might be okay. And if Wif (not Wim, my partner in daily life and more, but a friend in the village*) and I really join forces to make something happen around here, it might be interesting...we have worked together, with others, but this energy has been diverted a little. I don't want to get into it too much**, but it's a project to use artists for tourism to our tiny city - just using them, same kind of thing that happens all the time, not offering vision or fun or that abstract energy of money. We both were sucked in a little to help because we knew the organiser and it offers access to any place in town we want to go and work inside, the little chapels, convent, whatever, but that's a small price for the city government to pay and my feeling is now the same as when the "art walk" was first proposed: fuck that. I tried to suggest that it expand its vision and focus, as something for everyone and not just people who would go to "art walks"; Wif also gave a lot of suggestions, but the emptiness of the shell and ambition of the organizer is even more clear. The interest in status and legitmacy that the organizer has - who is young, but really seems to yearn for a management position in business - is incompatible with the reasons people have to really do or enjoy art, on a basic level. I have a need for working with others on my own time but would rather work at the local animal shelter; I did actually work with them a little with an illustration project and might try to continue that. And there is a lot else that I want to do... *As one Fleming said, We are a cute people. That is what we do. **Though I did (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 14th, 2010
9:47 pm	Hello, I went back to America and it was good. Love, C. To add, I do feel connected to something - to my own needs, I think, in a way that I wasn't last summer. I felt very confused then, and much less so now. I find out in the next week if I get my visa to stay here for 5 years (renewing it every year). I am still a little nervous, but have a lot else to think about. My intensive level 3 Dutch class is with a few people I knew before, from last spring, and is fairly easy since I studied over the summer. I couldn't go back to school this fall but am taking advantage of it and am re-committing to drawing and to illustration work. I put out a book, Holle Weg or Hollow Road, that I started four years ago - it's a zine, whatever, but it really turned out like I first planned. It took at least 100 hours to make, maybe closer to 200, with the layout, collating and stapling, contacting people - little things like learning how to make a plate, etc. - I have no idea how long - but it still felt good to make, even by the end, so I'll make another soon. 38 contributors. The state of Rhode Island paid a non-profit art organization for its printing, which is odd and was lucky, though that has little to do with things. I was learning how to do it as I went along, and xeroxing it wouldn't have been much different, just much less interesting (I consider it handmade since the printing was a collaboration with the AS220 printshop and I worked on it there, though I only had two weeks and didn't learn how to use the actual offset machine, which would have taken at least a month - that was one of the fastest parts, when someone with experience did it). So I was busy for most of the time I was back but still walked around a bit, ate food with friends and saw a couple shows. More soon, I'm pretty sure. (Comment on this)
Monday, August 30th, 2010
10:21 pm	I'm going back to America in four days, after helping my friend Wif set up a screenprint studio and a Butoh play with Wim, then an absinthe binge with Wib - kidding about the last one. I did go to a mighty show in Antwerp, that ended up in a giant foam bath in a mini-stadium that Scheld'apen built when they thought the city would kick them out to build a stadium (though it looks like they're okay now). Very busy during the days as well, but am making progress. Ook moet ik proberen om Nederlands te spreken als ik in Providence zit; ten minste om Kuifjes te lezen. (I have to try to speak Dutch when in Providence and at least read the Flemish versions of Tintin.) ('oo' = 'oh', by the way.) (Comment on this)
Friday, August 27th, 2010
10:24 pm	oi My lack of writing here has to do with notebooks: I use them. This just seems to happen, and was not an automatic decision after about 90 books of writing disappeared in a flood, but I'm at least aware that I don't know why I do most things. Actually, I'm not feeling that much about the flood anymore, though it will probably be hard to face in person when I go back. I'm feeling pretty good, overall. I'm about half-way through the Dutch levels that I need to go to school and work here, in Belgium. Now I can read Roald Dahl and Tintin, in Dutch; it probably helps that I know them in English. I should be able to go back to the science courses in the spring, but otherwise I've had the strongest urge to draw that I've had in years, and have been finding illustration work. And I'm getting more organized; I've been living with an engineer for about a year in a Dutch-influenced culture, and some children's book I remember vaguely about how the Dutch housewives intensely and competitively kept their houses clean (and many bachelors)does hold water. This is Flanders, not Holland, and there are many differences but the language is at least 95% the same. My partner's mother mimicked the Hollandse accent as nasal, and they sound American to me (which might have something to do with their presence there). Wim is now starting to sound Irish, according to my sisters, who just met him. He speaks the British English he learned in school (unlike many people who learn it from American TV and movies), but his accent's been picking up wind since he has to talk to a goddamned American every day - not his words, which were "it's your fault". This seems to be fairly boring, so I'll stop and write again when I haven't put everything interesting on paper for myself, and I can deal with paragraphing. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 22nd, 2010
4:21 pm	(2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 17th, 2010
1:37 pm	There was a tornado here. I forgot to write that first in this entry, but it's just the most recent big thing, not the most important, though it is to friends here who had the roof torn off their barn (where we had an art expo)... For now, I have a permit to stay, I can speak enough Dutch to get by and am enrolled in the 3rd level out of 5 - that's taken a lot of energy but I've been drawing more. Music is what had to go, but I promised to play out tonight at the closing of an art show. Many things are great but I've had some very hard times with adjusting; that would probably happen anywhere, though the fact I live in a village and still don't know the language well enough to understand my friends is weird...but I'm hanging out in Antwerp...more soon! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 1st, 2010
12:29 am	schoom I spent this Friday night on getting the comics paper together, a very long-term project and slow, with more than 30 peoples' work, but I love their work and it's a good time for that. This was not lost with the flood, and I love it even more for that. Just heard from a partner in another long-term project, a biochemistry text I'm illustrating, which I'm happy about too. I still miss Providence, a lot. I have a couple friends from my Dutch class from Bulgaria and Slovakia but I barely know them, but then there's Wif, Petra and David in my own town, and Joris and Sarah with the barn I can work in anytime, Anna and Priscilla at work and Jelle and others in Antwerp, where I have to visit soon. And living with a friend you love is still pretty awesome. My mother, a forceful kind of person, went to the Colorado offices in person to get my paperwork done and talked them into doing it then instead of whenever the mood hit them. So it looks very likely that I will get an official copy of my birth certificate with an apostille, and my chances of staying here are going up. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 22nd, 2010
1:02 pm	Things are not so good. I might have to leave Belgium for three months for the legal reasons, but I don't know yet, and don't know if I have a place to go back to. My stuff left in Providence was all destroyed so it would be painful to stay at my old place, and the people who live there haven't written to me at all - in fact people who I thought were friends have not returned messages. I have had no time to draw in a week, but I'm going home early now, so maybe today, and I might feel better in a couple hours. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 7th, 2010
10:31 am	Museum in Naples http://www.museomadre.it/index.cfm They let us in free and it seemed empty and disappointing at first, until you got to the top floor. And it was hard to find the roof but it was open, with little red paper dots on the stairs, that turned out to be part of a machine in a glass cage that blew them around; and you could see all of Naples through to Pompeii from there; and there was a strange old man laughing by himself on the edge of the porch. All my things are gone; they wouldn't be if I'd left Providence; but I don't regret that at all, even now, though I miss people as much as ever. (Comment on this)